just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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