shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
