My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
