im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize