After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize