I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
