The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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