32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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