i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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