Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
do herpes really smell.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
