Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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