remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
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Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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