Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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