i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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