suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Drake has all the answers
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
