at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
