Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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