so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Randomize
