If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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