Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
