This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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