Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
