I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
