When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
