i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
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you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
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you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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