Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
