K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Randomize
