I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
