it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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