I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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