I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
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I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
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