How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
