Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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