Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
