soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
