apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
