a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
