I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
