please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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