Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
