Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
