hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
