The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
