is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
