The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
