Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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