I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
And then he peed in my hair
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