last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
