apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
