glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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