just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
