I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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