i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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